The Unauthorized Serial Novelization of the 1994 Film, The Mask (pt. 4)

"I love how literally no one questions how the mask is able to do all this stuff" - Youtube comment

Hi paying AWKSD subscribers! Welcome to the long-awaited 4th entry Unauthorized Serial Novelization of the 1994 Movie, The Mask.

Big thanks to Laura Gwynne for illustrations.

I hope you enjoy. Please tell your friends and thank you for supporting me. 

Read part 1, part 2 and part 3

Cut to a closeup of Stanley’s eyes, squeezed shut in reluctant ecstasy. When we last saw him, he was getting his ear licked by Cameron Diaz. An obvious dream, albeit sexy and slightly perverted—just like how Stanley likes it. But as the camera zooms out, we see that it’s actually sweet, sweet Milo doing the all the tongue action. Stanley rouses from his slumber, annoyed at his dog’s interference, but we, the audience, deeply appreciate Milo for keeping Stanley grounded. Who knows where Stanley’s dream would go if it weren’t for Milo. Somewhere dark and untoward, no doubt.

Stanley sits on the edge of his bed and turns on the lamp. Afterimages of the dream fade from his memory, and he slumps as he realizes that he will never be the type of man who could woo Cameron Diaz. He looks across his room. On the mirror, there’s the newspaper article taped to the mirror, the same one he and Charley had been ogling earlier that day. Since his boss Mr. Dickey had confiscated the newspaper, we must assume that Stanley went out and bought his own copy just for that one article, meticulously cut it out, and then taped it to his mirror in the hours between work and sleep. Very serial killer behavior.

He walks over, rips the paper from the mirror and then crumples it up. “Stupid,” he says to himself. 

Stanley starts to say some self-pitying thought, but then looks up and whoa: THE MASK is resting on the couch. The look on Stanley’s face is all B-B-But I threw it out the window this morning! He approaches it like the forbidden object it is. Blue light casts Stanley’s face in an eerie glow. Hints of obsession replace fear as Stanley picks up THE MASK. A supernatural pull beckons him. “No way,” he says, and tosses it pathetically behind the couch, as if this will rid him of the cursed artifact. But the draw of THE MASK is too strong, and Stanley’s eyes bug open and grow horny with want.

He leaps over the couch, ravenous for THE MASK. A clap of thunder rocks his apartment, and Milo—sweet, sweet Milo—barks nervously. 

THE MASK, whirling in his trademark tornado, bounces up from behind the furniture.  Not as destructive as the last transformation, but let’s just say I’d hate to be a lamp in Stanley Ipkiss’s apartment. THE MASK spins around causing havoc via impressive effects brought to us by Industrial Light and Magic. If we were watching together, I’d lean in close and say “ILM is the special effects company that George Lucas founded”, and then you’d ask “Did you just eat something dead?” 

The tornado stops in front of the mirror, revealing THE MASK in what I’d call the quintessential MASK outfit: a garish yellow zoot suit with a disorienting black and white tie. One of my best Halloween costumes was dressing up as this version of THE MASK. I was in 5th grade, and my mom helped me dye a thrift store suit yellow. I wore a bald cap, painted my face green. It ruled. But when I went trick-or-treating, so many parents made me say a line from the movie before handing over any candy. Being an extremely shy child, this was hell. 

The sound of swing music swells in the background. THE MASK picks up the clipped-out newspaper article, holding it out at arms length. 

“HOLD ON, SUGAR,” THE MASK yells, eying the picture with psychotic intensity. “DADDY’S GOT A SWEET TOOTH TONIGHT!” 

Laughing maniacally, THE MASK zips into the bathroom, where we are privy to his hygiene routine. He brushes with a very big toothbrush (because big teeth), blow dries his nonexistent hair, sharpens a straight-edge razor before covering his face with shaving cream and then haphazardly slices away at his hairless face. Do I have to mention that none of this makes any difference to his face?? Just absurd. And then THE MASK uses Milo as a face towel, exposing the poor dog’s genitals in what might be the most famous dog dong scene in cinematic history. 

As the final touch, THE MASK puts on a yellow fedora with a feather sticking out of the band. Truly a magnificent sight.

“Oooooh! Somebody stop me!” he says, iconically. 

If we were to stop the movie right now, we’d have already gotten our money’s worth. Whomst amongst us has not recalled this exact scene when life feels great? There’s bravery in the sentiment, too. In a culture that increasingly tells you that if life feels too easy then something’s wrong, THE MASK’s defiant joy becomes inspiring. Nobody stop him—or us—indeed.