The Unauthorized Serial Novelization of the 1994 Film, The Mask
Part 1: Somebody stop me!
Hi paying AWKSD subscribers! Welcome to the first entry of the Unauthorized Serial Novelization of the 1994 Movie, The Mask. Over the next few months, I’m going to give the Jim Carrey hit the literary treatment it always deserved. Nobody stop me!
I hope you enjoy. Please tell your friends and thank you for supporting me.
There should be a warning at the start of this movie.
Like, big serious letters that say: Prepare to have your world rocked.
The film starts. Weird shapes fly onto the screen—a square and two ladder-looking things. Dark, ominous music plays, and even though we’re not yet five seconds into the film, those are chills running up our arms.
The shapes merge to become the New Line Cinema logo—an instantly recognizable icon for anyone who grew up watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies (or Nightmare On Elm Street if you were a freak whose parents let you watch rated-R movies).
The credits roll. The font appears to be some ‘30s modernist typeface. Because we’ve seen this movie so many times, we know this is a subtle nod to the swing-era gangster aesthetic of the film. “A Charles Russell film” a credit reads, and it’s a shame that his name isn’t as well-known as any other great artists. Spielberg, Picasso, Charles Russell.
Then Jim Carrey’s name appears on the screen and we’re like “OOOOOOooooh.” We know that guy. He’s famous. 1994 was a banner year for that guy. We got three Carrey Classics in ‘94, so that makes it a banner year for us as well.
Isn’t it strange to think that Kurt Cobain killed himself the same year that The Mask came out? It seems like two different timelines. You think Kurt would’ve liked The Mask? In my opinion, I think he would have.
The picture fades in on a bleak, industrial cityscape, like a cross between New York and Pittsburgh. Titles tell us this is “Edge City.” More like “Edgelord City!” I would say if we were watching this together.
Cut to an underwater shot of a guy in a scuba suit welding something. I’ve heard that this is actually one of the most dangerous professions. I can’t remember where I heard that fact, but I don’t doubt it.
Something catches the scuba diver’s eye: a treasure chest is hidden beneath some rocks. “Oh!” says his eyes. “Let me check this out!” Whomst amongst us would not have the same reaction?
As the scuba diver tries to open the chest, a large metal pipe falls on him, crushing him. Ohhhh fuccccck! he’s probably thinking. If only my greed had not blinded me to the hazards of this dangerous profession!
In addition to crushing the diver, the pipe also knocks open the treasure chest. Out of it floats the titular mask, which is like like green and brown and wooden. Why was it in the treasure chest buried in the sea? I’m afraid we never know, but the lengths someone went to hide it give us the delicious impression that it might just be a tad dangerous.
The mask floats past the camera in a bed of bubbles and it’s a really good shot. If we were watching together, I’d be all, “That’s a really good shot.” As it floats out of the frame, the words “The Mask”—large and yellow, radiating an eerie green magic—zoom at us with alarming speed. The screen goes white. Bam. “That’s how you start a movie,” I would say if we were watching together.