I’ve never been on a cruise and if I ever get demented, delirious, or deranged enough to even consider it again I’ll reread this travelogue. Love the writing in the vivid examples of why I’m so glad I’ve never done anything like this.
One hundred percent with you, Paul. I can’t conceive of a more miserable experience than a cruise - and you have to PAY for it. My best recent vacation was renting a little beachfront room on The Strand in Oceanside watching the waves and sleeping in. No booze, no disco, no three story high water slide or sad tourist traps.
You almost persuaded me that a cruise could be, if not fun, at least interesting enough to try.
Then I remembered that cruises usually feature norovirus and no amount of free-at-the-point-of-supply daft cocktails make synchronised communal vomiting worth suffering.
This is great! There is nothing funnier to me than funny writing. With no props or pratfalls or facial expression support, you have to be good at your craft.
We married septuagenarians have done many a cruise and one crossing (Atlantic), and you’ve aptly captured the surrealism of every voyage we’ve enjoyed/endured. However, I’m now regretting/appreciating our sobriety on these “No one has to cook to get good food” adventures. We’re childless, so my guilt over an earth-damaging footprint is assuaged. SEE WHAT AN ANIMAL YOU BECOME CRUISING? P.S. Bring Dramamine for bedtime dosages in the event of rough seas.
Assuming this isn't a humor piece you made up for fun, you wasted a lot of money. You can get smashed and watch TV everyday at home. Sounds like a terrible itinerary, too. I've been on some great cruises and went on wonderful excursions. Never got the drinks package. Did the math and realized getting your money's worth results in lots of blackouts, hangovers and missed opportunities to explore ports. The silent disco sounds interesting.
At Hemingway House were all the cats dead - you wrote they were ‘decedents’ - or was that a typo and they were descendants? This was the only part that made me laugh, mostly because so many people these days confuse ancestors (those who came before), descendants (those who came after) and decedents (those who are dead).
I have never had any desire to go on a cruise ship and this account only confirms my feelings.
I’m all in for Quiets, except the Trader Joe’s version. Their cashier small talk is unparalleled! Also, reading this made me feel hungover.
I’ve never been on a cruise and if I ever get demented, delirious, or deranged enough to even consider it again I’ll reread this travelogue. Love the writing in the vivid examples of why I’m so glad I’ve never done anything like this.
Thanks, Paul! But you gotta try it at least once in your life. You’ll get a whole new appreciation for the real world
One hundred percent with you, Paul. I can’t conceive of a more miserable experience than a cruise - and you have to PAY for it. My best recent vacation was renting a little beachfront room on The Strand in Oceanside watching the waves and sleeping in. No booze, no disco, no three story high water slide or sad tourist traps.
Sir I have no idea who you are but I am a big enthusiast of reading about people having awful times on cruise ships so this was a 10/10 for me
Ryan, a cruise is the worst possible torture to me. But it’s fun cringing through your vivid article.
Technicolor nightmare, well-painted. Makes me hate 2025 'Merica even more than I already did, so good job.
Hilarious! TY.
What about the guy who didn’t have any headphones on?
You almost persuaded me that a cruise could be, if not fun, at least interesting enough to try.
Then I remembered that cruises usually feature norovirus and no amount of free-at-the-point-of-supply daft cocktails make synchronised communal vomiting worth suffering.
The horror...
This is great! There is nothing funnier to me than funny writing. With no props or pratfalls or facial expression support, you have to be good at your craft.
We married septuagenarians have done many a cruise and one crossing (Atlantic), and you’ve aptly captured the surrealism of every voyage we’ve enjoyed/endured. However, I’m now regretting/appreciating our sobriety on these “No one has to cook to get good food” adventures. We’re childless, so my guilt over an earth-damaging footprint is assuaged. SEE WHAT AN ANIMAL YOU BECOME CRUISING? P.S. Bring Dramamine for bedtime dosages in the event of rough seas.
Assuming this isn't a humor piece you made up for fun, you wasted a lot of money. You can get smashed and watch TV everyday at home. Sounds like a terrible itinerary, too. I've been on some great cruises and went on wonderful excursions. Never got the drinks package. Did the math and realized getting your money's worth results in lots of blackouts, hangovers and missed opportunities to explore ports. The silent disco sounds interesting.
This is so funny! I am never going on a cruise
At Hemingway House were all the cats dead - you wrote they were ‘decedents’ - or was that a typo and they were descendants? This was the only part that made me laugh, mostly because so many people these days confuse ancestors (those who came before), descendants (those who came after) and decedents (those who are dead).
I have never had any desire to go on a cruise ship and this account only confirms my feelings.