What your crush’s favorite blink-182 album says about them

Work sucks, I know... which is why I made this handy guide for you

Fuck astrology—we all know the only true way to determine person’s personality, fortune, and cosmic predetermination lies not in the stars, but what album by San Diego’s most cherished pop-punkers is their favorite.

Cheshire Cat

Buckle up. Cheshire Cat-heads can still get “high on life” because they were born before the numbing advent of the internet. They often drink to blackout, which they’ve been doing for almost 30 years, but can somehow run six miles without training. If you rile them up, they’ll want to wrestle. Even at the fanciest restaurants, they’ll order a pepperoni pizza. They don’t use credit cards because “they’re for pussies.”

Dude Ranch

A straight-up genius, but also arrogant. Dude Ranchers are often financially successful in the field of Big Tech. They like to police people’s language online, and will call people privileged for expressing joy. They listen to vinyl on headphones with their eyes closed and their lips pursed. They drink Miller High Life because they think the beer has gotten too pretentious. They support progressive and radical ideologies, but would likely give away Anne Frank’s whereabouts when faced with the threat of physical violence. If they’re not already divorced, they wish they were.

Enema of the State

This person is not really a blink-182 fan. In fact, they’re not even really a music fan because what they listen to is either modern country or EDM. They go through life without much conflict. Not a lot of intellectual curiosity with this crowd, but that’s OK because the world is complicated enough as it is. They’re pretty mild tempered, unless the subject of pronouns comes up. The reason they voted for Trump is not because they’re sexist, but because they think he’s a good businessman (but also they’re probably sexist).

Take Off Your Pants and Jacket

100% antifa. They own a copy of the Communist Manifesto, but haven’t read it. They still use Facebook to shit post and provoke their MAGA-loving relatives. Do not—I repeat DO NOT—engage these people in a tickle war; they have a tendency to bite. Conversation will get a little dry if you run out of things to hate, but thankfully, most are pretty into snakes and reptiles, so at least you have that topic to fall back on.

blink-182

You’re into the arteests. Just be careful because these self titled blink-182 fans will rip your heart out and play a Travis Barker-style paradiddle on it. . But that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few wild nights together. These people somehow have an in everywhere: you’ll get food comped at fancy restaurants. You’ll be able to see movies for free. You’ll get on the guest list to every concert. And when they finally show you their art, you’ll discover that it’s actually not so bad, even if it’s a little too anime-y. Years down the line, after you two have broken up. you’ll come upon a news article about someone who kidnapped their kids in a meth induced delirium, and were arrested by police after crashing their Mazda into a snowbank, and it’ll be the person from your memory who really loved the song “Feeling This.”

Neighborhoods

Oh, you are a sick bitch. Hell yeah. You’re into the freaks, the scofflaws, the ne’er-do-wells. Neighborhood fans live on the fringe. Neighborhood fans love to mix business with pleasure. They don’t drink alcohol, but regularly eat 100 mg edibles. They somehow have over 10,000 followers on their private social media accounts. When you ask what their favorite color is, they say something like, “night” or “clear”. Their safe words are “Where are youuuu?” sung in Tom Delonge voice. They’re obsessed with ghosts, and will have countless pics of floating orbs on their phone. When they aren’t politely obliterating their opponents with philosophical mind games, they’re silently weeping. When you make fun of the album Neighborhoods, they scold you for kink shaming.

California

“I can fix them,” is the most common thought when courting a California fan, and with good reason: they’re moody, forlorn, and harboring an internal darkness that’s simultaneously attractive and frightening. They actually didn’t realize that Tom Delonge doesn’t play on this record, and when you inform them, they respond with something like, “just another example of the impermanence of life.” Their worldview leans toward nihilistic, but will also throw a tantrum if the restaurant gets their order wrong. They’re very nervous drivers, and will direct other drivers through an intersection before their turn because they don’t know how intersections work. At some point they’ll want you to read their poetry, which is about the time that you need to get out there unless you want to read the most fucked-up shit put in iambic pentameter.

Nine

This person doesn’t exist.

ONE MORE TIME...

An online intellectual. They gloat online about abandoning Amazon and giving up social media. They call congresspeople about causes that are important to them. They commute by bike and love to espouse the evils of cars, even though their spouse who does all the childcare and grocery shopping still owns a car. They’d like to write a novel someday, but can’t concentrate on creativity when “the world is on fire”. They probably have a Substack that they abandoned after three posts because it wasn’t immediately popular. They read over 20 hot takes of ONE MORE TIME... before even giving it a listen. Although they’d never admit it, they’re scared of homeless people. And they’ve given serious thought to whether they’d resort to cannibalism if trapped in a Donner Party-like scenario (they would).