Throw these statues into the sea, too

Let’s unburden ourselves from problematic monuments by tossing them into the watery depths

Statues, man. It seems that every few years, America becomes embroiled in a battle about whether Confederate statues should be torn down. I mean, I can see two sides of the argument: on one hand, you have the people who believe that the Confederacy was born from a shameful period in our nation’s history when people loved owning humans so much that they went to war with their own country to preserve that right. And on the other hand you have racists. Oh and also a small contingent of people who argue that we’ll forget history unless it’s in statue form. 

So it was to my pure delight when I saw a video of some people in Bristol pulling down a statue of slave profiteer Edward Colston and then dumping it into the ocean. Jolly good.

Honestly, I don’t get the love for statues, whether they’re racist or not. And now we have lunatics shooting people to protect these fucking things. I wouldn’t shed a tear if all statues were torn down and dumped into the ocean. To carve one’s likeness out of stone or metal seems like the epitome of human vanity and hubris, and largely seem to exist merely to uphold the status quo (i.e. white supremacy). 

This got me thinking: what San Diego statues should be thrown into the roiling sea? The truth is, our city is or has been home to plenty of problematic monuments, some of which have been removed, while others still remain (Voice of San Diego recently explored the bro-heavy aspect of our city’s statues)

Without further ado, here are a few statues I found in Downtown San Diego, ranked by their dunkability. 

“Unconditional Surrender” 

Location: 55 Tuna Lane in Seaport Village

Duh. Throw this shit right into the murkiest of waters. It’s just a tribute to entitled males and sexaul assault. The statue is a reproduction of sailor George Mendonsa and nurse Greta Zimmer’s historic encounter that many now associate with World War II’s end. But these two didn’t even know each other, and the moment is more of a result of drunken predation than anything else. Even the book The Kissing Sailor: The Mystery Behind the Photo That Ended World War II can’t conceal the grossness of the act:

George steamed forward several more feet. His girlfriend was now farther behind. He focused on Greta, the “nurse.” She remained unaware of his advance. That served his purpose well. He sought no permission for what he was about to do. He just knew that she looked like those nurses who saved lives during the war.

“Unconditional Surrender” is an idiot’s idea of what heroism and romance looks like. It doesn’t surprise me that Papa Doug Manchester has his name on the plaque underneath this steaming deuce. 

Pete Wilson

Location: 848-878 Broadway Circle in Downtown

Look at this schlub. He’s got the non-threatening body language of someone who says “aw gee.” But don’t let this slouchy bro fool you — Pete Wilson’s statue is prime ocean food. The former San Diego mayor, senator and governor spent a lifetime making marginalized people’s lives harder. As governor, he signed into law California’s draconian “Three Strikes Law” which punished those with two prior felonies to an automatic 25-years in prison upon the third felony with no opportunity for parole. Sure, it sounds like a fair punishment for violent crime and rape, but individuals with, say, two prior burglary charges could get 25 years automatically sentence for drug possession, and it’s probably not going to be white people who get felony sentences for drug offenses. 

Wilson was also a raging homophobe. During his tenure as San Diego’s mayor, he refused to meet with local LBTQ groups to violent police harassment, which included routine raids at gay bars and arrests for “lewd behavior.” Wilson also refused to issue a permit for the first Pride parade. As governor, he also vetoed a gay rights bill in 1991, which sparked protests all throughout the state.

This statue cost $200,000 to make and Wilson was present at the unveiling where he said to protesters in the crowd: “Isn't this a great country where anyone can stand up and make a perfect horse's ass of themselves at any time.” Wilson is still alive, unfortunately. When I was taking a picture of the statue, a woman walking her dog asked “who is that?” Who, indeed. 

So yeah, dump this loser into the ocean. 

Alonzo E. Horton

Location: 848-878 Broadway Circle in Downtown

Ehhh... by all accounts, the father of modern San Diego seems like a decent, honest dude, but he’s still a colonizer. Throw him in the water, too. 

Bob Hope

Location: 55 Tuna Lane in Seaport Village

I’m okay with throwing Bob into the ocean. Just a cursory glance through Hope’s wiki reveals a few reasons why he’d be canceled today. Stand-up comedians, in general, are miserable people, and they don’t deserve statues — they’re like writers, but more insecure and attention-craving. 

Also San Diego’s Bob Hope memorial is particularly creepy: He stands before a group of rapt soldiers who listen to his disembodied voice with frozen grins and dead-eyed stares. Between this and the gaudy Unconditional Surrender statue mere feet away, I’m certain 55 Tuna Lane becomes a grade-A ghoulville at night. 

Ernest Hahn

Location: 848-878 Broadway Circle in Downtown

It’s strange to visit the statue of famous mall-developer Ernest Hahn these days, considering that Horton Plaza — his crowning achievement — is basically in ruins. But I guess that’s no stranger than the notion that we,  as a society, decided that it was all right to erect a statue of um... a mall developer? 

Listen, I’m no fan of the type of frenzied consumerism that malls breed, but Horton Plaza was definitely a one-of-a-kind nightmare, an architectural funhouse that will probably never exist again, and I can respect that. And despite every time I shopped there, I left more frustrated than when I arrived, I’m going to miss the place. 

So, Hahn, I’m neutral on you. Between Wilson, Horton and Hahn—which are all on the same street—I’m going to go with the mall guy.

COMMTRON 2000

Location: Corner of Commercial and 22nd in Sherman Heights

Now here’s a statue. What a solid unit. COMMTRON can stay. I don’t know anything about this bot, but I pledge full allegiance to it. Just playing it safe here. Who knows if COMMTRON has omniscient powers of knowing what I write about it, and I don’t want to end up with my futile meatbag neck broken and a mouth full of gears. Nobody better throw COMMTRON into the water, because Skynet will see you and punish your disrespect by making your food processor attack you or something. All hail COMMTRON. 

Bum the Dog

Location: Pocket Park in Downtown (corner of 4th and Island)

Who’s a good statue? WHO’S A GOOD STATUE?? Bub was purportedly San Diego’s first and only “town dog,” so this statue memorializes a very good boy. I can’t think of a better use of stone than carving cute mutts out of it. Bum can stay, obviously. In fact, if all statues were dogs, maybe we wouldn’t be in this whole statue mess in the first place. 

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AWKWARD COCKTAILS
By Kelly Davis 

If you’re up for venturing out, some of San Diego’s best cocktail bars have carefully reopened — and if you dislike crowds, noise and lines, you’ll be stoked. Here’s a snapshot of how a few bars are handling things. Check back next week for more.

Bar Kindred has launched “Crypt Sessions.” Held Thursday through Saturday nights (for now), $85 gets you a five-course meal and two cocktails. Find all the deets here and make reservations here. Editor’s note: be sure to enjoy your... spirits, kiddies! [Crypt Keeper cackle]. Kindred’s cocktails-to-go menu is still available, too. At Sycamore Den, you’ll need to grab a table first, then send one person from your party to the bar to order. Masks are required unless you’re seated. Realm of 52 Remedies bartender Chris Lee is a joy to watch. But, for now, bar seating isn’t available. Instead, Chris and his team will take your order tableside. “This gives our guests a direct line of communication with the bartender,making it easy to pick their brains when deciding what to order,” says 52R’s recent IG post. Noble Experiment has been partnering with J & Tony’s for Friday pop-ups from 6 to 10 p.m. No reservations, so get there early to grab a table. Last Friday, they donated $5 per cocktail to the ACLU and then matched that donation. Check J & T’s Instagram for info on this week’s pop-up. You & Yours’ tasting room has been reconfigured for social distancing and a face covering is required for entry. If you’re feeling unsure about going out, head over to Trader Joe’s to pick up a six-pack of Y&Y’s new Tangerine Vodka Soda.

Cocktail of the week: Apricot Sour

I’ve long wanted to make a cocktail with apricot jam and found this take on a traditional sour at The Lakehouse Kitchen. I altered it just slightly to make it a little less sweet and a little less tart. Important instruction alert: Don’t add ice until I tell you.

In a shaker, combine:

1.5 tablespoons apricot jam

2 tablespoons warm water

2 ounces bourbon

3/4 ounce fresh lemon juice

1 egg white

Give the shaker a good 10 to 15 second shake. Now you can add ice. Shake for 30 seconds or so to froth up the egg white and strain the cocktail into a glass.

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THE WEEKLY GOODS

Alfred Howard

Listen to this

Alfred Howard is a national treasure. The musician, writer, poet, artist and bird aficionado has been vital to San Diego for a long time. As the founder of the Redwoods Music collective, he’s responsible for fostering some of the most soulful and diverse acts in this city. Recently, KBPS asked him to curate a playlist, and he came back with a brilliant mix that reflects his socially-minded and creative soul. His picks are predictably great, but it’s even more of a delight to listen to him talk about his choices. Essential listening right here. 

Watch this

After releasing last year’s amazing Sigil Sine, San Diego doom/goth/psyche group Hexa went on hiatus. Sad! However, as one of the hardest working musicians, it was inevitable that we’d get new music from Feller sooner rather than later. And voila! We’ll soon be blessed (but, in like a dark, satanic way) with Feller’s new E.P., Damage Orbit, which comes out on July 10. The first song is a lot more upbeat than Hexa, but it still showcases her awesome penchant for darkness. It’s really good. 

Do this

This week has been a banner week for self-owning cops embarrassing themselves with fast-food related follies — from the cops who got diarrhea after claiming their Shake Shack shakes poisoned them (which turned out to be false) to another officer crying over an Egg McMuffin because it took longer than three minutes to serve. I mean, their discomfort isn’t nowhere near that of POC in the presence of a police officer, but anything to undermine their executive supremacy is a win. 

Jess Dweck @TheDweck

Cops are lying about a milkshake but we think they’re gonna tell the truth about committing murder

This got me thinking. What if fast food was actually fighting a secret war to get even with cops? What if it didn’t have to be secret? What if there was a fast food joint that was explicitly anti-cop? What would it be called? AcABnolds? (Just spitballin’ here!) What would some of their menu items be? Give me some ideas at ryancraigbradford@gmail.com.

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Julia Dixon Evans edited this post. Thanks, Julia. Go follow her on Twitter.