Remembering Weezer's teal album
A look back at the album that signaled very bad things to come
On January 24, 2019, Weezer put out their teal album, an album that felt like a Very Bad Omen. The band hadn’t really been great since the ‘90s, yet this album of mediocre covers seemed especially pointless for a once-great band.
It wasn’t just the cash-grabiness of the thing did me in, but the idea that the band’s cover of “Africa” was the result of a rabid internet campaign. It wasn’t the first piece of pop culture that brazenly existed to pander to fans, but to see the band so willingly play singing/dancing monkey for a bunch of internet freaks erased any remaining good will they had.
So, I did what any sane and well-adjusted person would do: I tweeted about it.
For an entire year.
Let’s remember, Twitter in 2019 was not good. Not as unusable as it is now, but still a swirling void of anger, hate, and catastrophizing—which, in hindsight, were the exact ingredients required for a piece of content as cynical as Weezer’s teal album.
Just over a year after the teal album came out, the world was brought to its knees. I’m not saying the teal album led to the pandemic, but I’m not not saying it either. Bad omens are bad omens.
Here are my teal album tweets from 2019 to 2022, compiled together for the first time.
Jan 25, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, awaits death*
Feb 8, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, embraces the grim reaper's cold, cold touch*
Feb 15, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, contemplates the icy comfort of forever-sleep*
Feb 22, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, beholds the pale horse*
Mar 1, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, asks george to tell me about the rabbits*
Mar 15, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, opens acme box, removes portable hole, flicks it onto the floor, falls in*
Mar 22, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, notices the big bullseye underfoot, looks up just in time to see anvil crash down on face, teeth jangle in mouth like piano keys*
Mar 29, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, turns TV to static, stares at the screen for 15 hours*
Apr 5, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, stares into the middle distance and plans one hundred revenges*
Apr 7, 2019
Weekend's over :( *removes needle from teal album*
Apr 12, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, slowly pushes each cuticle up—pushes, pushes, keeps pushing until until knuckle bones are exposed*
Apr 19, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, looks at younger pictures of myself, wonders where everything went wrong*
Apr 26, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, dips legs in bubbling piranha pool, feels nothing*
May 3, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, covers finger in tuna water, lets cats lick it off, pretends that's the same as love*
May 10, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls out a jumbo box of matches, strikes each one and watches it burn down to fingertips, admires the cleansing power of flames*
May 17, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, lies on ground and lets roomba gently bump into face repeatedly—its little arm brushes spinning away the tears*
May 24, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, orders custom photo cake depicting teal album cover, eats whole thing, notices teal frosting on shirt, says whoops, removes shirt, revealing teal album chest tattoo*
May 31, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, looks at a Magic Eye for 12 hours, sees not a sailboat but visions of death, and then realizes Magic Eye is actually Trader Joe's newsletter*
Jun 7, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, realizes the teal album is already playing, touches long white beard, runs to mirror, sees decrepit old man and realizes that teal album has, in fact, been playing for years*
Jun 14, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, Jigsaw clown puppet rolls in, says 'I want to play a game', begins explaining the rules, but stops mid-sentence when he realizes I'm already chopping off my arm*
Jun 21, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, opens moleskine notebook, licks the tip of a pen, writes pages of beautiful poetry, cries at the beauty, realizes—hours later—that they're the lyrics to Africa, repeating*
Jun 28, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's pinkerton album, says 'whoops wrong album,' and then puts on weezer's teal album*
Jul 5, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, picks up monkey’s paw that grants wishes, wishes for money, fame and youth, but due to cruel irony of cursed item just gets more teal albums and, like, a scary ghost*
Jul 12, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, stares dead-eyed into the middle distance for hours, Kubrick’s ghost whispers ‘perfect’*
Jul 19, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls out phone to have a lil fun with faceapp filters, every filter reveals the face of death, runs to mirror and yep, still death*
Jul 26, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, takes out a Frozen coloring book, rubs a black crayon viciously across the snowman's eyes until it's nothing but waxy nub, can't stop crying*
Aug 2, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, places one tick on arm, watches it swell with blood, gently releases engorged tick back into nature so that at least some part of himself can be free*
Aug 9, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, calls up friends from high school, has conversations about old glories, basks in the good old days, then realizes it's not a phone against his ear but a can of chew*
Aug 16, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, dances like nobody’s watching, keeps dancing, years go by, loved ones die, wishes there were tears left for mourning, shakes away that thought, keeps dancing*
Aug 23, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, fishes around in pockets for spare change, opens hand to reveal 3 pennies, lets out a satisfied ahhhhh, drops them in a jar labeled "money 4 sadness go-away"*
Sep 6, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, turns on an old 3 Stooges film, yells Oooh thatsssss gottahurt! every time one of them falls down the stairs, is alone*
Sep 13, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, notices it's friday the 13th, thinks "time to get spook-ay!", pulls out 5 yr old Spirit Halloween catalog, turns to Adult section, looks at camera, shoots eyebrows up twice*
Sep 20, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls out 7 years worth of pay stubs, piles them up into a sad little pillow, lays head upon it, falls asleep gently weeping*
Sep 27, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, takes out stack of old newspapers, declares to empty room 'I finally have time for this', clips out expired chuck e cheese coupons, imagines how fun it woulda been to use em*
Oct 4, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, rolls up sleeves, summons visions of hellfire/pain/suffering, allows emotion to run through the body like hot oil, opens email, begins: Dear Olive Garden*
Oct 11, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, places two items on table: a capri sun and a bottle of horse tranqs, flips coin, assesses result, says "not today, good friends," pockets the pills, drinks the capri sun*
Oct 18, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, says “ah time to start my juice cleanse”, pulls out crate of expired hi-c ecto coolers, cracks knuckles, says “here goes nothing”, wakes up in the hospital 5 years later*
Oct 25, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, thinks ‘time to put on my porch scarecrow costume to scare kids’, sits, waits, days and years go by, now old folks still talk about the legend of the crying porch scarecrow*
Nov 1, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls trash bag of candy corn out of closet, whispers 'oh baby, glad the kids didn't find you', eats 50 lbs of candy corn before realizing it's a very gross candy
Nov 8, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, checks stock exchange, sees the price of sadness has skyrocketed, declares: yeehaw I'm rich! does a yosemite sam dance as if oil has just been struck*
Nov 15, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls out large wheel of gouda, says 'weekend!? more like cheese-kend,' dons faded mickey mouse ears and goes 'omm nom nom i'm da cheese mouse' while eating the cheese*
Nov 22, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, fires up Word, writes 100k word novel about Lamborghini-driving detective scientist who never sweats nor gets acne in weird places. The character’s name? Ryan Bradford*
Nov 25, 2019
Just realized that this thanksgiving will be the first thanksgiving where we can listen to the teal album with our families
Dec 6, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls up web images of Rothkos, thinks 'I could do that', smash cut to 1 hour later, the house is on fire, swat team demanding I put down the paintbrush*
Dec 13, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, slaps a monster energy sticker on forehead, dons necklace with a dangling pair of TruckNutz ™, snaps selfie, sends to Pixar with a plea to “be the truck” in the next Cars*
Dec 20, 2019
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, looks at calander, says “oh no, I haven’t bought xmas gifts for anyone!”, remembers all loved ones are dead, reveal: the calendar says 2074, further reveal: a scorched earth*
Jan 3, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, opens newspaper, reads about impending war, spits out brandy, keeps spitting, spit is never ending, where is all this brandy coming from? please god make it stop*
Jan 10, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pours soap out of dish brush, fills it with chocolate, presses sponge against frozen smile, chocolate oozes out, tastes a lil soapy, oh well, cleanliness is godliness*
Jan 17, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, watches cat hork up a hairball, retains eye contact with cat for approx one minute, finally looks away in submission, whispers “he is my master,” grabs carpet cleaner*
Jan 24, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, thinks 'ah, let's just hear that toto cover one more time', hits repeat, doomsday clock moves forward, 'surely a coincidence!', hits repeat again, clock moves forward again*
Jan 31, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, reclines in chair, chair tips back, does complete backward somersault, somehow body remains chair, chair keeps rolling, head keeps bashing into floor, how is this happening*
Feb 7, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, and, like, dies somehow*
Feb 14, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, sees heart shaped box of chocolates, "for me??" opens box, it's full of roaches, looks at camera [there's a camera] "why is life so heart?" [laugh track] cries [laugh track]*
Feb 21, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, idly eats potato chip after potato chip, wonders ‘what are the ingredients In these babies’ checks, ‘oh yeah, potatoes, makes sense’ keeps chomping, chomp chomp*
Feb 28, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, dons a coronavirus mask not cuz of illness but because it’s easier to hide the crying*
Mar 6, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, strips naked, greases entire self with Purell, sits in La-Z-Boy, stares quietly at reflection in the black tv screen, immune, a glistening body in the fading afternoon sun*
Mar 13, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, and just listens to it, just listens to the hell out of it because nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong at all*
Mar 20, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, takes a fresh roll of toilet paper, dices it so finely that it becomes powder, snorts TP like it's a line of cocaine, god weeps*
Mar 27, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, invites all friends to my zoom happy hour, only person to respond is myself on another device, just keeps saying ‘ok let’s circle back’*
Apr 3, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, comes up with Rube Goldberg machine that feeds flamin hot Cheetos, pandemic is over by the time it’s finished, ppl enjoying life while I’m holding like levers and pulleys*
Apr 10, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, pours glass of bourbon, pours glass of tequila, throws back a handful of shrooms, sucks down a few horse tranqs, smokes a "doob," pours glass of melted kraft cheese, puts on weezer's teal album*
Apr 17, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, straps on face mask, smells the musky scent of summer, the warmth of earth, the hay-y aroma of hay. Hay? 'yo mister, you're wearing a horse's feedbag' shouts some kid*
Apr 24, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, opens mouth, squirts a dash of Clorox in, says ahhhh in a very satisfied manner, oh hello what’s this?, ope that’s my teeth and blood*
May 1, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, pulls out sourdough start kit, 'ahh, my first sourdough, what could possibly go wrong?', smash cut to news broadcast, 'this just in: covid-20 now a thing'*
May 8, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, watches news of business reopening, opens doomsday prepper vault with a tinge of sadness cuz all these supplies will go unused, supplies are stacks of other teal albums*
May 15, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, starts doing push ups in front of the teal album factory to get them to open up and make more teal albums*
May 22, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, goes to eat at a restaurant like a very normal person*
May 29, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, gives it a minute, turns it off, this week's been hard enough.*
Jun 12, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, sculpts a 7 foot statue of mr bean out of solid iron, immediately pushes it into ocean, feels fine about it, does not need a statue to remember mr bean*
Jun 26, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, grows a goatee, gets sunburned, slips on some cargos, dons a No Fear shirt, enters a public space with no mask, Arizona makes me an honorary resident, sends me a “hero” sash*
Jul 3, 2020
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, puts on weezer's teal album, puts on face mask, yells ‘smokkkkkin! Somebody stop me!’ (because the movie The Mask), the words echo back from an empty room, will forever be alone*
Dec 17, 2021
Ahhhh the first semester of grad school is in the books *kicks off shoes, slaps some sweat pants on, pours glass of brandy, drops a tab of acid, and hits play on weezer's teal album*
Jul 29, 2022
Ahhh another work week in the books *kicks off shoes, pours glass of brandy, reflects on the changing world, a world that seems increasingly scary and callous, looks at record collection, sees an old friend, thinks ‘the what the hell’, puts on the teal album*
Nov 17, 2022
If you're feeling down today, I suggest kicking your feet up, pouring a glass of brandy, and throwing on the teal album.
Reading this stream of Tweets was like reading Anna Karenina. At first I was like, “genius!” Then about halfway through, like, “still genius!” Then 3/4 of the way I was like, “ok, I get it,” maybe it just sounds different in the original Russian. Then I forced myself to keep reading, but more like skimming nervously hoping it would end soon. By the end, I looked down and realized I was no longer reading your substack, but physically eating an entire box of unopened Teal Albums, and they tasted like desperation.
Haha, has anyone from weezer actually responded? I think you should tweet this collection at the band and all the members individually