Great, now we have to think about the attractiveness of the green M&M
Oh, and I also found M&M erotica
It was only last week when we were all just living our lives, vibing, live laugh loving, and steadfastly resolute in the notion that we’d have sex with the green M&M if given a chance.
But now, all that has changed.
Last week Mars Inc.—the company that manufactures M&Ms—announced that in an effort to modernize the look of the M&M characters, which included removing green’s sexy, sexy boots.
Now, perhaps no one was overtly thinking about the attractiveness of the green M&M, but no one was not thinking about it either. And because we live in an age where you’re only as interesting as your position on ridiculous matters, this tweak forced everyone to not only have an opinion on the fuckability of the green M&M, but also the cultural context of what it means.
Was the new Green a more inclusive portrayal of uh... anthropomorphic candy? Was the old Green an icon of feminine sexuality? How much longer do I have until I can remove myself from this mortal coil (oh whoops, that last one was meant to be a Google search).
Take, for example, the seriousness with which The Wall Street Journal treats the subject. There are no less than three sources quoted in an article. About M&Ms. About the sex appeal of M&Ms.
I can’t help but admire this quote from one Eva Davey, who provides an astute characterization of the green M&M and condemnation of the marketing move in the same breath:
“She’s very flirty with the other ones, but also kind of a girl boss,” said Ms. Davey, a 22-year-old student in Vancouver, British Columbia. “I think if you’re going to make the mistake of sexualizing an object, stick by it.”
Take that, Mars! You created this monster, so it’s actually your fault that we all want to bone it. Also, there is no recovering from seeing green M&M described as a “girl boss.” That’s the type of shit that will follow me to my grave.
But Rolling Stone takes the cake for superlative M&M coverage with their article “Let the Green M&M be a Nasty Little Slut.” (Content aside, this is a remarkable headline. I hope web editors everywhere are taking notes.)
Is this kind of stuff sincere? I honestly don’t know, but it’s hard to read lines like “For those familiar with the iconography of the green M&M, this change is nothing more than tectonic,” with a straight face. Never in a million years would I predict this sort of lowkey radicalization over an intellectual property, but then again, people were also super upset when they took the boobs off of Lola Bunny, the girl bunny in Space Jam 2.
I want to pause right now and remind everyone that both that bunny and the M&M are not real.
But there was one part of the Rolling Stone article that gave me pause: “It is also a major error on Mars Wrigley’s part, because the green M&M being a dirty slut, as signified by her iconic white go-go boots, is precisely what has engendered her a devoted fan base, particularly among similarly libidinous women and gay men who have embraced the character.”
Had the character really been embraced in such a way? I thought. If so, perhaps my didactic shit-talking has been a little harsh. So, to further my understanding, I googled “green M&M” and “gay” and eventually found myself in the world of M&M fanfic.
I really wish there were more warnings on websites that read “Abandon hope all ye who enter.”
I shouldn’t be surprised that M&M fanfic (fan fiction) exists. Just imagine the darkest, most perverse aspect of the human condition and the internet will monkey paw it into existence. Cartoon candy fetishes? You got it.
To experience this kind of fandom, look no further than archiveofourown.org—a user-moderated site dedicated to “fanfiction, fanart, fan videos, and podfic.” With nearly 5 million users, there’s a narrative for every niche character in existence (during my M&M exploration, for example, I got sidetracked into a Billie Joe Armstrong fanfic wormhole. And, yes, I don’t like myself either).
The impressive thing about M&M fanfic is how cohesive the characters are across the board, regardless of the author. Green and Brown are always in a relationship (thereby validating Rolling Stone’s claim that they’re a gay icon); same goes for Red and Yellow. Blue is kind of aloof and alienated. And Orange is just kind of a nervous weirdo (je suis Orange).
In “M&M Roadtrip” by wirterberker4life—with it’s warning of “Graphic depictions of violence”—Green and Brown travel down the Long Island Expressway to meet Brown’s parents at their Montauk mansion. It’s the first time Green is meeting the parents, and she is nervous. They drive a Hyundai Santa Fe. They experience road rage, and a song keeps playing on the radio, adding to their unease.
The graphic violence comes when Brown—driven mad by the recursive song—slams her head into the steering wheel.
Green is lying unconscious in the car seat, while brown has her lead laying on the wheel. the car that crashed into them starts to back away, and turns onto another lane on the expressway
it was the Long Island Expressway so it was filled with traffic
The two m&ms lay there until Brown slowly starts to lift her head up to stare at what just happened. The world around her was a daze and as soon as she realized what was going on she whipped her head around to see her girlfriend.
“Green are you alright?!??” brown turns to her unconscious girlfriend, “this isn’t very girlboss of you right now”
it’s okay though she kind of has a thing for dead bodies.
Beyond the strange turn into necrophilia, “M&M Roadtrip” is pretty straight-forward. That is, the fact that the characters are M&Ms has no effect on the narrative. They don’t do anything M&M-y. Namely, it’s a lot of normal relationship stuff. It’s actually kind of boring until you remember that they’re M&Ms, and then it makes you feel very weird.
“Green Is The Warmest Color” by Femenemity explores Brown and Green’s relationship with a little more subtlety and romance. Not only does it have the best title of any M&M fanfic, but it’s also fairly well-written. Just look at this characterization:
“Ever since the beginning, Brown has thought of Green as something like a natural. She draws customers to her without even trying. Her ritzy, coquettish demeanor and her natural charm have humans scrambling to buy her mint chocolate M&Ms every holiday season. Brown admires her. Might even envy her, if she’d had less self-confidence.”
There’s also a nice little meta-angle where Brown is the super successful CEO of M&Ms. What does the M&M corporation sell in this world? Do M&Ms eat M&Ms? Would that be cannibalism? Interesting considerations, indeed.
My favorite part, however, is the author’s note at the end: “I have so many other things I should be doing rn, why the fuck am I writing about anthropomorphic M&M's, fuck y'all, fuck me, fuck this, ahhhh....”
Really wish Rolling Stone or Wall Street Journal had that sort of self-awareness.
But I assume everyone has read this far for the M&M erotica. (I’m going to send this post to all my former English teachers to impress them with that sequence of words I forced into existence).
Let’s be clear, “Chocolate Love (Ms. Green X Ms. Brown)” by Somewing82 is amazing and ridiculous, but there’s at least some acknowledgement of the physicality of M&Ms that was sorely missing in the previous stories:
She was just a sentient green M&M, but for some godforsaken reason she needed to tend to sexual pleasures. She didn't really understand why she was feeling like this at the current moment, but maybe it was her thoughts of her roommates [sic] slick brownish naked like body, and her sexy glasses that covered her gorgeous eyes.
I mean, if I were tasked with describing a brown M&M in the sexiest way possible, I don’t think I could beat “slick brownish naked like body.” There’s also a scene where Green pleasures herself with her “glove like hands” that got me searching for how to nominate a piece of writing for the Pulitzer Prize. And then I read the following sentence and doubled my efforts: “From the other room Green could hear Brown putting something on, it sounded like something was being strapped on.” (Hint: it’s a strap-on).
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Thursday, Jan 27
Broken Baby, Spillboy, The Todds @ Til-Two Club: Broken Baby play angular, dancy post-punk fronted by a lead singer who—based on their videos—knows how to command a room. They almost feel like a reincarnation of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in terms of their controlled anarchy, but are still an entirely original force on their own.
Saturday, Jan 29
Charger, Hell Fire, Malison @ Brick By Brick: Sorry San Diego, this isn’t The Chargers, but Charger, the Motorhead-like metal project from Rancid’s bass maestro, Matt Freeman. Rancid has always been one of my favorite bands, but the members’ solo efforts have always just felt like watered-down versions of what they brought to Rancid. This is not the case with Charger, which riiiips (watch video below). Hell Fire is also monstrously good.
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A comedy show in City Heights? And in walking distance of my house? Hell yes. Headliner Ari Mannis is a very funny dude, and I’m certain San Diegans Sarah Lynn, Elie Rickler, Ombretta Di Dio will also bring it. This event is going down at the Columbus Club (4425 Home Avenue) on Friday, Jan. 28 at 8 p.m—an ideal time to live, laugh, love imo.
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Julia Dixon Evans edited this post. Thanks, Julia. Go follow her on Twitter.