AWKSD’s two-pump-chump guide to the recall election candidates
A super quick rundown of all the losers vying for Newsom’s spot
I get it. The past 18 months have been incredibly hard. We’re squandering. Our government is failing us. Children are suffering. It fucking sucks. But this upcoming recall election is a joke—a complete waste of taxpayer money and resources. It also may be unconstitutional.
Newsom is not perfect, but I think he’s generally followed science, and I believe that’s saved countless lives. Just look at the death rates of most other states, and you’ll find that California is doing better, especially considering its size and population.
So please vote NO in the recall. Let the following list of candidates be your reason.
THE DEMOCRATS
It’s hard to see the following candidates as anything more than vote stealers. Like, in what sane world would California recall a Democrat governor and replace him with another Democrat? It’s not going to happen. But, this is America, and it’s your right to vote Yes on the recall and pave the way for a Republican/Trumpian power grab.
Holly L. Baade (D). An anti-masker Democrat?. I can’t think of a more pathetic personality combination, tbh.
John R. Drake (D): Dude is 20 years old. He wasn’t even born when Ralph Nader cost Al Gore the 2000 presidential election.
Patrick Kilpatrick (D): Is a Hollywood actor and I have more Twitter followers than him. Just saying. Also, here’s his character in the 1990 classic, Class of 1999.
Jacqueline McGowan (D): I like weed as much as the next person, but to focus primarily on cannabis advocacy—especially during this tumultuous time in history—is a little like showing up to a city council meeting to complain about dogs shitting on your lawn.
Kevin Paffrath (D): A real-estate social media celebrity who has more than a million subscribers on Youtube. Smash that like button for democracy, fam! I spent 10 seconds on his channel and felt worse about the world. That’s gonna be a big no from me, dawg.
Armando “Mando” Perez-Serrato (D): Mando is listed as a Democrat, but his policies are straight-up R. Vote for Mando if you too are afraid of “California communism.”
Brandon M. Ross (D): In this U-T interview, Ross says that Newsom should not be recalled. So why are you even here, bro? Btw, let me remind you that just the filing fee to run for governor costs $4,194.94.
Joel Ventresca (D): Hey Joel, how big was that sandwich you had last week?
Daniel Watts (D): A free speech lawyer from Vista whose entire platform is free speech and free college. To be honest, these aren’t the worst platforms. Plus, this guy is behind the fake-but-somehow-verified Cormac McCarthy Twitter that went viral recently. If I had picked a candidate, I might’ve picked Watts, but then again, is a funny shitposter really who we want as a leader? Who even knows anymore.
THE REPUBLICANS
Reading through interviews with all these candidates, I had to wonder if there’s some master document of Newsom grievances that they all copy/paste from. None of these people bring anything new to the table. Just a phalanx of anti-mask, anti-vax bullshit. Not one original thought in this clown car.
David Alexander Bramante (R): An anti-vax, anti-mask real estate bro (redundant characteristics, really). He also speaks at “Freedom Rallies.” It’s like someone poured all the worst parts of North County into a shaker and then told it to run for governor.
John Cox (R): He’s the guy who thought torturing a bear would be a good political stunt.
Larry A. Elder (R): Pulled a gun on his wife. Thinks there shouldn’t be a minimum wage. Hosts a talk radio show. These are all qualities of an unwell person.
Kevin L. Faulconer (R): Hep A ravaged San Diego’s homeless population under Faulconer’s watch and he thinks he can pull us out of a pandemic? Lol. Faulconer is also guilty of the unforgivable offense of declaring August 19 as “Jason Mraz Day” in San Diego. #alwaysforget
Rhonda Furin (R): I’m of the modest opinion that anyone who’s ever used the QAnon hashtag #wwg1wga should not be allowed to run for office. But, hey, that’s just me.
Ted Gaines (R): Name is too similar to serial killer/corpse mutilator Ed Gein. That’s probably unfair, but Gaines is, in fact, a Republican, so even if he’s not personally murdering his constituents, I’m sure his policies will.
Sam L. Gallucci (R): Just watch the first 45 seconds of the “Meet Sam Gallucci” video and tell me it’s not as jarring, disquieting and poorly edited as that clip from Bohemian Rhapsody.
David Hillberg (R): When the U-T asked David Hillberg what he thought about criminal justice reform in the wake of George Floyd, here was his response: “George Floyd was a pawn, just like the corrupt media. Yep, the cops screwed up and so did Floyd and to a greater degree the media, your media.”
Like, I feel that even the most staunch Republicans can get around this question without looking like a complete nutcase. Not Hillberg, though.
Caitlyn Jenner (R): A literal murderer.
Kevin Kiley (R): I’ve had way more bad experiences with Kevins than good ones. Even if I was a Republican, I would be wary of any candidate named Kevin.
Chauncey “Slim” Killens (R): A retired correctional officer for governor? What’s he gonna do, arrest COVID? Also, this guy was at the January 6 Capitol riot and only considered that it might be getting out of control after being tear-gassed.
Jenny Rae Le Roux (R): In this U-T Q&A Le Roux really wants to “live, work and breathe again.” So much so that she answers three questions with that exact same mantra. Big “live, laugh, love” vibes here.
Steve Chavez Lodge (R): Okay, I thought all these candidates were going to be lemons, but then I stumbled upon this headline: “‘Real Housewives’ star Vicki Gunvalson shares why her fiancé Steve Lodge should be governor of California"
So there you have it folks. Vote Lodge for Governor.
David Lozano (R): Sorry, but I just can’t handle this clip of David Lozano being ribbed by a Righteous Gemstones-esque televangelist. It’s almost like watching a subservient dog or a kid get bullied or something similar.
Diego Martinez (R): In a very angry interview (or maybe that’s just how all alpha bro entrepreneurs act?) Martinez states he wants to run government like a business. I mean, I’m no economist, but that didn’t really work last time we tried it.
Daniel Mercuri (R): Just a sane, rational bro who wants to murder you (twice!) for hopping over his fence. Totally cool, totally normal.
Robert C. Newman II (R): Not gonna lie:I loved his song from Toy Story.
Sarah Stephens (R): Stephens helped a Proud Boy escape a far-right protest after the Proud Boy was filmed assaulting a reporter with a lead pipe.
Denver Stoner (R): A name like this is just one step up from Area Man.
Joe M. Symmon (R): This guy really seems to want to defund Planned Parenthood. I mean, I’m sure all these R’s do, but Symmon really gets into it on his website. So, you know, fuck him.
Anthony Trimino (R): A lot of candidates bring up Newsom’s wealth, privilege and cluelessness when it comes to following his own rules—which, yeah, all valid criticisms—but Trimino just sold a mansion for $5 million. Seems very on-brand for Republicans to disparage Newsom’s ivory tower and then turn around a vote for a literal millionaire.
Leo S. Zacky (R): Zacky’s soul patch is like a rorschach. I see an anchor or an umbrella. Unfortunately, I don’t see victory
EVERYONE ELSE
Good luck to these candidates, I guess.
Nickolas Wildstar (L): He’s a rapper—that’s good!—but also a libertarian—that’s bad. In this Newsweek interview, Wildstar said, "Some of my first few inspirations were the Wu-Tang Clan, the Roots, Common and Mos Def; more of the conscious rappers” and, I don’t know, feel like none of those conscious rappers would freak out when asked if they were vaccinated.
Heather Collins (G): There’s something depressingly poetic (or poetically depressing?) about hairstylist Heather Collins’ unfinished website (“More information coming soon!”) that nonetheless features a huge clock counting down the hours until the election, which, by the way, is less than two weeks away.
Dan Kapelovitz (G): I mean... Jello Biafra much?
Jeff Hewitt (L): In November 2020, one of Hewitt’s employees filed a sexual harassment claim against him. Six months later, another employee filed a harassment claim. Sounds like a cool dude.
Angelyne (no party): Whenever I see any coverage of Angelyne, I think back to that saying, “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, as long as you have a good time.” I just hope Angelyne is having a good time.
James G. Hanink (no party): If you read me the headline “Staunch pro-lifer wants to tell women what they can do with their bodies,” and then showed me his picture, I’d be like, “Yup.”
Kevin K. Kaul (No party): Yet another real estate bro. Kaul feels so strongly that the climate crisis is a hoax that he says so twice in this interview. Also, one of the top links on his political website is for americansupplies.com, which appears to be a PPE retailer that he’s involved with. I’m sure this guy’s made a few bucks as a result of the COVID restrictions he’s rallying against.
Michael Loebs (no party): Loebs teaches political science at SFSU and here are two back-to-back descriptions from his ratemyprofessor page: “Loebs is a really chill guy. He is kind of wacky, but in a cool intellectual way.”
And: “Loebs is an awesome guy. Classic hipster, he knows what's up, kinda a weirdo though.”
🤪 🤪 🤪
Denis Lucey (no party): Back in 2013, Lucey wrote a letter to Barack Obama about custody rights for children of divorce, which is very strange because, like, why...how...what would Obama do? Why does this feel like a child’s letter to God or Santa? Why does Lucey display this so prominently on his LinkedIn profile? Why is his sign-off “God Bless the Children”? Just...why?
Jeremiah “Jeremy” Marciniak (no party): I just love how in all this dude’s election materials, “Jeremy” is in quotes. Don’t worry, “Jeremy,” you “have” my “vote” wink wink.
David Moore (no party): Ah, finally, the last candidate. Moore is a socialist so maybe just vote for him if you’re going to vote yes on the recall. This whole election is a joke anyway, so go for the person least likely to get elected. I don’t care. Whatever. Do what you want.
THE WEEKLY GOODS
Get tix to this
My friend and former CityBeat editor Seth Combs will go to bat for Counting Crows—which is strange because—as I’m sure a lot of San Diego musicians know—Seth doesn’t like much. And although I never got into them in their heyday, I will say that listening to them now, I’m struck by just how melancholya lot of their songs are. Lead singer Adam Duritz was rightfully mocked for his white guy dreadlocks (which were actually extensions), but that guy can make any song sad. As a sucker for sad-sack music: respect. Plus, if you ever see someone nail “Mr. Jones” at karaoke, head over and make friends with them right away. That song rules and it’s also very difficult to sing. Counting Crows play Wednesday, September 8 at Cal Coast Credit Union Open Air Theatre.
Watch this
San Diego has been killing it with making ourselves look bad on a national level. First, we had that whole cop-pretending-to-collapse-from-fentanyl thing. Then we had Matt Baker from Ocean Beach summoning the winds of time to wreak havoc on the Board of Supervisors. Now, we have Carrie Prejean Boller, a former Miss USA-er who still stumped for Trump after he fired her (talk about cucked!). Here’s a video of her at an Encinitas school board meeting where she declares the pandemic to be over. I bet you this is the kind of woman who refers to her rich white friends as her “tribe.”
Watch this
Hey, guess what. It’s September! Or, as I like to call it, October Eve. It’s officially now okay to watch horror movies every night, and from now until Halloween, I’m going to highlight a horror movie that I think you should watch. To kick things off, check out my favorite scary movie of 2020, The Dark and the Wicked. The story follows a brother and sister—now grown—who return home to take care of their ailing, bedridden father. Slowly, they become aware that a dark presence is trying to claim his soul—a battle that methodically escalates and becomes more nightmarish with each day. Directed by Bryan Bertino, The Dark and the Wicked ramps up the relentless terror and nihilism that defined his 2008 movie The Strangers (another favorite of mine). Don’t expect any happy endings here.
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