10 years later, all the dogs still want to kill me

Discovering never-before-seen pics from the photo series that briefly made me famous

June 2021 marks the 10 year anniversary of when I was unceremoniously let go from the USPS. I’ve written about carrying mail many times, so it kind of surprises me when a new friend or acquaintance has no idea about my postal past. 

Not that I expect everyone to memorize my life story (if you could, that’d be great), but the two years I spent carrying letters were as formative as any I’ve had. I imagine 40 years from now, I’ll be sneaking into VFWs and then immediately being kicked out when they realize all my war stories involve Pennysavers and broken lock boxes. To this day, I still have nightmares where I’m running behind on my route. 

So, for those unfamiliar with the events that led to my firing, here’s the gist: In May 2011, I achieved some viral fame for a photo essay on my blog called “All the Dogs Want to Kill Me,” which featured pics of vicious dogs I encountered on my routes. I sent the link to Gawker, who drop kicked it into the virtual stratosphere. NPR covered it. Countless photo blogs featured it, and art galleries asked if they could turn it into an exhibit. It was all very exciting. 

Then I did an interview with San Diego CityBeat where I said some unflattering things about the role of the transitional employee, and that made the USPS very mad, so they cut me loose. 

I believe part of what made All The Dogs Want to Kill Me so compelling was the fact that I shot the photos with a 35mm disposable camera, which I kept in my mail satchel at all times. I didn’t have a camera phone at the time, so those disposables were all I had to document whatever I’d encounter on my routes, and I never knew what I had captured until months later when I got the photos developed. 

But get this: I was recently cleaning out a desk drawer and found the original negatives from All The Dogs Want to Kill Me. I thought they were lost forever, disappeared into the same dimension my socks and important financial records eventually end up in. I had the photos rescanned and realized there were some good ones on that roll that nobody has ever seen. 

So, to celebrate its 10 year anniversary—as well as a decade of letter carrying-related PTSD—here’s All the Dogs Want To Kill Me, the S̶n̶y̶d̶e̶r̶ Bradford Cut. 

(Note: Substack is telling me that this email is too big for most inboxes, so if it’s cut off for you, please visit awkwardsd.substack.com to see all the photos)

On the first day of USPS training, we watched an hour-long video about dogs and reading their language. I now know all the signs of when a dog wants to kill me (when it’s chasing me and barking at me). 

People would sometimes get so upset when their dog barked at me, believing their animal was perfect. Not gonna lie: sometimes it was deeply satisfying to shatter this illusion. 

Through the mail slot.

The mailman/dog relationship is no lie. It’s like they can smell it on you, a scent that triggers their hunting instinct. But the owners are often worse. Opposite of owners who talk to their pets in baby voice are the ones who scold their pets as if they were aristocratic children.

I grew up with dogs, considered them my friends, so to see them turn on me was heart-breaking. In that regard, getting a job with the USPS was like experiencing middle school again. 

"He won't bite you, but he will lick you to death." - Every dog owner.

Imagine being licked... to death.

“Okay.” - My go-to response to people who claimed their dog just wanted to lick me to death.

Teeth

“One dog goes one way and the other goes the other. And this guy's saying, ‘Whaddya want from me?’” - Goodfellas (1990) 

I was once chatting with a postal customer and they asked why dogs were attracted to letter-carriers. I said, “It’s because they spray us down with meat juice before we leave the station.” I could tell by the customer’s reaction that it was a really weird thing to say.

“Ah.” - Customer’s response to “meat juice.”

During training, I told my driving instructor the station where I was assigned. He looked off into the distance and a shadow passed over his face. “Lot of dogs over there,” he said. 

The little ones always have the most to prove. 

“It would perhaps not be amiss to point out that he had always tried to be a good dog.” - Cujo by Stephen King

I once had a dog lunge at me. I used my satchel as a shield, and for a few minutes, the dog and I played a frightening game of tug-o-war with it. When the owner finally stepped in, he said, “That’s so weird, he usually never does this.” “Okay,”

Meat juice.

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THE WEEKLY GOODS

Read this

After last year’s cancellation, the San Diego County Fair is back. This is good news for those of us who like to eat super gross food, i.e. me. I have a deep appreciation (or maybe it’s morbid curiosity) for the monstrous culinary concoctions at the fair, and despite this year’s scaled-down attraction, its freakish food game is still on-point. I recently headed up there to eat as much as I could and wrote about my sado-masochistic journey for PACIFIC Magazine. Please read it?

Get tix to this

Holy moly, does the Bad Vibes Good Friends Music Fest sound rad. Earthless, Drughunt, Belladon, and Los Pinche Pinches are just a few of the killer San Diego bands to play this chill-but-psyche-af freak-out in Downtown San Diego this Saturday at Sideyard BBQ in Downtown San Diego. The fest will also feature a handful of amazing visual artists, which makes this a one-two gut punch of immersion for those who’ve not experienced the return of live, communal art experiences yet. Get your tix to Bad Vibes Good Friends Music Fest here.  

Read this

A few days ago, I saw a poster for a music festival called Just Like Heaven, which featured bands like Franz Ferdinand, Interpol, M.I.A. and Bloc Party. I mean, it’s a cool lineup, but it also seemed like the perfect festival for people who stopped listening to new music in the late ‘00s. That doesn’t describe you, does it? I hope not, because San Diego-based music site Treble just released their 33 Best Albums of 2021 So Far, and it’s a great resource for people who may be stuck spinning the same iPod-era music. I’ve maybe only listened to five of these albums, so I’m incredibly thankful for this public service. 

Watch this

John Hyams might be the most underrated action film director working. His bleak, relentless style not only makes for white-knuckle viewing experiences, but he elevates the material into something austere, cerebral and unique. Last year, he released the survival horror movie Alone, which caused me to gnaw my fingernails off, and he single-handedly turned the Universal Soldier franchise into Lynchian high art. So it makes sense that he’d be a showrunner on Netflix’s ultra lean-n-mean zombie series Black Summer, which recently released a second season. I don’t blame you if you’re jaded on the zombie genre (Zack Snyder’s Army of the Dead was complete trash), but the opening sequence of Black Summer season two is one of the most thrilling and frightening things I’ve seen in a long time. Give Hyams an Academy Award, you cowards. 

Listen to this

I’ve never listened to the podcast Criminal before, but I saw someone on Twitter recommend the latest episode (“48 Hours”), describing it as a “real horror.” Out of curiosity, I gave it a listen and holy shit. I don’t really want to say any more, but I listened to the whole thing with my mouth hanging open. It’s a two-parter, too, so I’m practically edging in anticipation to hear how the story concludes, which I think happens this Friday.

Got a tip or wanna say hi? Email me at ryancraigbradford@gmail.com, or follow me on Twitter @theryanbradford. And if you like what you’ve just read, please hit that little heart icon at the end of the post.